The Silent Archive

What is it that I lack 

You’re standing there in all black 

Acting like the world is over 

But your pathway is made of roses 

What is it that you see

When you turn and look at me

Is it pain

Is it agony

Or pure exhaustion  

Or do you see the mask that’s now stuck to my face

Are you hurting because you need to 

Are you begging your eyes to stay closed 

Because pathways don’t pave themselves 

Love doesn’t make itself known unless you act

But I fear that when you look at me

You see yourself and what you want to be 

But do you see my eyes bleeding 

Head leaning 

Mind steaming 

Or do you see the person you have painted 

A perfect vision of yourself, cascaded in red 

Always left on read 

Only there to make you smile

Only worth it for a little while

—Rose Hollow—

The sound rang out for what felt like ages

All this time I could write you pages

Your voice so familiar I might hear it in my dreams

But your face I can barely force myself to see

You want me to take away your sorrows

But once I do you won’t talk to me tomorrow

I have always been a place to hide

When the ground is hard and you can’t survive

But when the sun peaks through the trees

Your echos are the only thing that won’t leave

But here’s the truth you refuse to see

I never ask

To be forgotten

I never plead to take your pain

I’ve always just wanted to feel

Like my life is not in vain

—Rose Hollow—

Empty are your eyes for me

You despise me, it’s clear to see

No matter how I much pry

You still can’t even begin to try

To give me the love that helps me survive

Empty are your words to me

When I speak with passion

About my life and dreams

You can’t even fake your responses for me

When all your time is with how I can please

Pathetic are my thoughts to you

Like a clown citing Einstein

Just a joke for you

Like I slathered my face in bright white paint

With a goofy smile and a nice red beak

Only here for you to heckle and defeat

Empty are your promises, to always love me

—Rose Hollow—

I close the doors and lock them tight

I seal my lips and smile just right

I anticipate the storm that’ll never come

Taking tiny breaths while everything hums

I listen closely as they all say

“I’m important, see, in all these ways”!”

And as I stand there in that room

I see their tiny worlds resume

But as they dish out their whole plate

Mine begins to bend and break

And that’s when I start to see

That everyone I love

Has forgotten to love me

But that’s what you get

When you’re just like the breeze…

Always there but never seen

—Rose Hollow—

My mom

She doesn’t call

Unless she feels like talking

Unless she needs another therapy session

Unless she finds herself wanting a confession

She tries

To make up for the past

By forming lies

So she doesn’t feel like any less

But I’m upset for being left

Alone for most of my time home

But I’m still expected

To be there when she calls

Every 2 or 3 months

When she feels another spell coming on

Here she comes

To let out what she needs

On this punching bag that she has made me to be

Anyone would go crazy

But it seems this is my place

If I want to be seen as anything

But a mistake

–Rose Hollow–

Little lies tell me what I need

Mama’s eyes

They look at me with such an awful sting

I’m afraid to be half of what I am

In case someone has a grand plan

It’s a million in one

But something tells me I’m in too deep

Miss me when I’m gone

I’ll be shouting profanities

At the sun

At the moon

At the clock that never runs

–Rose Hollow–

In a crowded room of people I love

Does anyone know what keeps me alive?

Have they tried to know me

Or do they choose to not see me

I know I’m a lot

And most people would rather not

But nothing breaks my heart more

Than the people I love

Not wanting to know more

When all I do is notice

What they are

What they aren’t

What they wish

How they dream

I chase their in betweens

But no one cares to know about me

–Rose Hollow–

The clocks are spinning off their hooks

And I’m the one with both the spokes

I find it scary no surprise

That I have looked deep in your eyes

To look at you and to see me

Is something I have longed to be

My soul has always been alone

But now it’s you that feels like home

How do you look at me that way

It feels like I have been a stray

You’ve pulled me from the depth of life

And showed me why I ought to try

I wake up in a fit of joy

Just to see you pry and toy

You flash me with that sacred look

And just like that you have me hooked

–Rose Hollow–

She makes a sound

That levels out the ground

But takes the pain and pockets it

She wears a crown

Of fits and frowns

But hides it when they come knocking

They believe she is made in style and grace

All while she is deeply fractured

But if they knew she was held up with glue

They would take her glass heart

And smash it

–Rose Hollow–